Do you ever have those types of fights with a loved one where you instantaneously react out of anger and say something you don't mean? Do you then find yourself self-loathing afterwards, beating yourself up emotionally and feeling guilty for the days to follow, even though they've forgiven you and moved on? This is a very common occurrence for me and I've decided to get down to the bottom of it by asking myself two very important questions: One, why do I continuously say things that I don't mean to a loved one and two, why do I beat myself up emotionally afterwards, unable to shed the guilt even if they've forgiven me?
I am going to be completely honest with you- A vast majority of the things I say that I don't mean are said when I'm under the influence of alcohol. It's very hard for me to control my emotions after a few drinks and any issue that I'm having has no problem bursting through. So, therein lies a huge part of the problem. Obviously your first piece of advice to me would be, "don't drink if you can't control your emotions", and you're partially right for many reasons. Alcohol can truly bring out our inner demons and I am no innocent party to that. I believe that the devil preys upon our weaknesses and when we drink, we become weak and subject to his tyranny. I have to learn to remain in control by shutting him out and if that means by not drinking, then so be it.
Regardless of whether or not there is alcohol involved, it's important to deal with my emotions or grievances with another person in a healthy manner. I often bottle up issues because I'm too afraid to speak openly, for fear of embarrassment over the topic or fear that I'll open up a can of worms to a world of other issues. I also shut myself off from talking about issues for fear of hurting the other person (what a catch 22!) Putting too much pressure on ourselves to keep these emotions on lock down does nothing beneficial for us and our relationships with others. Whether we indulge in the occasional adult beverage or not, one day we're bound to burst with rage, unable to control ourselves and our tongues, which results in us saying those mean and hateful things that we simply don't feel in our hearts.
So to answer my first question, I continuously say mean and hateful things that I don't mean because for whatever reason I am afraid to speak honestly about how I'm really feeling. I allow these frustrations and emotions to have control over me. In order to put this to a halt, I have to learn to address my issues with the other person in a healthier, more honest way. Truth be told, it could be just what my relationship needs to propel itself into the next level of love. God wants us to live at peace and unity with another, even if that means agreeing to disagree in order to make it happen.
So to answer my first question, I continuously say mean and hateful things that I don't mean because for whatever reason I am afraid to speak honestly about how I'm really feeling. I allow these frustrations and emotions to have control over me. In order to put this to a halt, I have to learn to address my issues with the other person in a healthier, more honest way. Truth be told, it could be just what my relationship needs to propel itself into the next level of love. God wants us to live at peace and unity with another, even if that means agreeing to disagree in order to make it happen.
"But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell. “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God." Matthew 5:22-24
"Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace." Ephesians 4:1-3
Furthermore and most importantly, I have to try to have control over my tongue and temper when I'm addressing these issues and I need to do this in whatever way I can, whether it's by praying beforehand, by writing my feelings down or by not talking about these issues when I've been drinking, even if that does seem like it might make it easier to talk about things at first.
"Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way... In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. James 3:2, 5-8
Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper— it only leads to harm.
Psalms 37:8
"So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit," Ephesians 5:15-18
Psalms 37:8
"So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit," Ephesians 5:15-18
If I can implement these standards that God has for me, then I'm well on my way to saying what I mean and meaning what I say, while finding unity with my loved one. But in those times that I do slip up and allow rage to take control of my tongue, how can I forgive myself and let go of the guilt that I feel for hurting this person that I love so deeply? Am I even worthy of my own forgiveness and of God's forgiveness?
It's hard for me not to become angry and ashamed that I've allowed myself to fall short of the standards that God has for me. I am a perfectionist so sometimes it can be a struggle in itself to accept the fact that I am human and I will not ever be without fault. However, the great thing about God's grace is that I get to have a do-over every single time that I fail, regardless of how many times it happens. Of course this doesn't mean that I shouldn't strive to be better altogether for God's glory or for the sake of my loved ones, but God has given me the opportunity to pick myself up and try again with a clean slate, regardless if the person I've hurt forgives me. I have to find peace within myself by knowing that Christ paid the ultimate price in order for me to be given this kind of opportunity. I can't waste it by wallowing in my own shame. I have to realize that I am worthy of His forgiveness and His grace, despite my shortcomings. If a being as powerful as God can forgive me, then there's no reason why I can't forgive me for my faults either.
It's hard for me not to become angry and ashamed that I've allowed myself to fall short of the standards that God has for me. I am a perfectionist so sometimes it can be a struggle in itself to accept the fact that I am human and I will not ever be without fault. However, the great thing about God's grace is that I get to have a do-over every single time that I fail, regardless of how many times it happens. Of course this doesn't mean that I shouldn't strive to be better altogether for God's glory or for the sake of my loved ones, but God has given me the opportunity to pick myself up and try again with a clean slate, regardless if the person I've hurt forgives me. I have to find peace within myself by knowing that Christ paid the ultimate price in order for me to be given this kind of opportunity. I can't waste it by wallowing in my own shame. I have to realize that I am worthy of His forgiveness and His grace, despite my shortcomings. If a being as powerful as God can forgive me, then there's no reason why I can't forgive me for my faults either.
"When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus." Romans 6:10-11
"We believe that we are all saved the same way, by the undeserved grace of the Lord Jesus.”
Acts 15:11
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